Paul Hoffmeier ia a talented video game producer and a great guy who sadly, like myself was given the new Eagles CD by a fellow dad at our kid's school to listen too! This new Eagles CD has been passed around by at least 4 dads who all remember how great the Eagles once were! Now without further set-up a review of the new Eagles CD by Paul Hoffmeier.
Sucking, (I mean…)
SOARING LIKE AN EAGLE
When I listen to an album the first or second time, I really try to focus on what they are trying to tell me. So I popped in the Eagles’ latest and listened…well, it was more of a conversation. The following is excerpts from the transcript.
Long Road out of Eden (ALBUM TITLE)
PAUL: I get it. It’s a metaphor for they’ve been banished from the garden where all is good. Which, by the way, is the place where perfect albums are recorded.
Song 1- DISC 1
No More Walks in the Wood
PAUL: The Eagles should be locked up without instruments so they can’t have experiences like walking in the woods to write songs about.
Also, a 2 minute song, is not a song. Get a little more to sing about, huh? OR At least the pain of song 1 only lasted 2 minutes. Not sure which comment to go with on this one.
EAGLES: “Where we made our own weather”
PAUL: I hope you’re better at making weather than writing and singing songs.
EAGLES: “Like a bluebird with his heart removed”
PAUL: Kinda like the way I wish I could have my ear drums removed.
Song 2-DISC 1
How Long
PAUL: How long…will this song go on?(Too Easy)
EAGLES: “How long woman will you weep”
PAUL: All depends on how many discs of crap you packaged up.
Song 3-DISC 1
Busy Being Fabulous
PAUL: That’s the answer…the question…
‘Why didn’t you spend the time to make the rest of this CD tolerable?’
To be honest…this song had a good sound to it. They didn’t strain anything, nothing fancy, wouldn’t change the radio if this came on.
Song 4-DISC 1
What do I do with my heart
PAUL: bury it with all the original recordings from this album
EAGLES: “I can hold back my tears”
PAUL: Well Glen Frey…I can’t. Remember Hotel California? Evidentially not.
EAGLES: “I still want to know, when my arms let you go.”
PAUL: Yes, I’m losing feeling to my extremities as well.
Song 5-DISC 1
Guilty of the Crime
EAGLES: “You’re the only one who’s ever heard my song”
PAUL: If only, Don; If only.
EAGLES: “I might be lonely now”
PAUL: Yes, you will be.
EAGLES: “I’m Guilty of the crime.”
PAUL: I’d like to enter this disc as exhibit A.
Song 6-DISC 1
I Don’t Want to hear any more
PAUL: I’ll do the commentating, thank you.
PAUL: …and the number one worst title for a song…EVER…is…
EAGLES: “It not the first time I’ve had the sense that something’s wrong”
PAUL: Song 1…Song2…hmmm, you’re correct.
EAGLES: “I know you’re trying hard to break it to me gently”
PAUL: Nope.
EAGLES: “I know how this all ends”
PAUL: Not soon enough?
Song 7-DISC 1
Waiting in the weeds
PAUL: I’m confused…I like the way this started(But soon got over it)
EAGLES: “I don’t know when I realized the dream was over”
PAUL: I can tell you,Song 1!
EAGLES: “I’ve been waiting in the weeds waiting to…”
PAUL: …spring a horrible album on unsuspecting ears?
PAUL: Whoops! 5 minutes into this nearly 8 minute song, my CD suddenly skipped to the next song. Oh well.
Song 8-DISC 1
No More Cloudy Days
EAGLES: “These cloudy days, they make you wanna cry”
PAUL: You wanna cry!?
EAGLES: “I believe in second chances.”
PAUL: Thus, disc 2.
Song 9-DISC 1
Fast Company
EAGLES: “You keep on running”
PAUL: I’ll take that advice next time I wanna buy one of your new albums.
EAGLES: “Help me try to remember”
PAUL: Help you remember…when you didn’t suck?
Song 10-DISC 1
Do Something
EAGLES: “When I feel like giving up and ready to walk away, in the stillness I can hear a voice inside me say…”
PAUL: …give up walk away from the mic and let people remember the good songs?
EAGLES: “…Do something”
PAUL: Oh…my bad.
EAGLES: “I pick up the morning paper and all the news is bad.”
PAUL: I can see the headline, EAGLES RELEASE NEW ALBUM.
EAGLES: You can’t run away.
PAUL: No, but 10 songs ago I had enough life in me that I could have hit the stop button. Now…sadly my spirit is broken.
Song 11-DISC 1
You Are Not Alone
PAUL: Yes I am. The memories of great Eagles songs WERE with me. Then they heard what I was listening to and now I am alone.
EAGLES: “Say goodbye to all the pain and sorrow”
PAUL: Huh? Oh, this is the last song. Wait! Disc Two! AAARRRRRGH.
EAGLES: “I will always be your friend”
PAUL: Friends don’t give friends sucky songs…’cept for the ALS 1st Grade Dad’s Club.
Thanks guys. (sarcasm added for effect).
Need a break before disc two. Maybe a vacation. Long vacation. Some hard alcohol, too.
Sucking, (I mean…)
SOARING LIKE AN EAGLE: The Pain Continues
After a few days to heal…Disc 2. I’ll make this one a little quicker...unless it’s just as bad.
Song 1- DISC 2
Long Road out of Eden
PAUL: Ten minutes and 17 Seconds of my life I will never get back!
PAUL: Way to emphasize LONG.
Song 2- DISC 2
I Dreamed there was no War
PAUL: Instrumental, smartest thing you’ve done the whole album.
PAUL: Stupid war!
Song 3- DISC 2
Somebody
PAUL: I just realized, I’m not listening to the words anymore. That’s not fair to them. If this is a conversation then I’ll have to start listening again.
EAGLES: “There’s a Jack-O’-Lantern moon in the midnight sky”
PAUL: Awe crap, why did I start listening again?!
EAGLES: “Somebody’s gonna die”
PAUL: It’ll be you guys, the first time you play this song on stage.
Song 4- DISC 2
Frail Grasp on the Big Picture
EAGLES: “We never seem to learn the lessons of history.”
PAUL: Like bands who can’t call it quits after any signs of talent have left? Seriously, you got huge amounts of gambling debt to pay off? Who spent any time in the studio and continued to think this was a good idea?
EAGLES: “Heaven help us.”
PAUL: Create the universe in 7 days, fine; but this one may be too big even for Him.
Song 5- DISC 2
Last Good Time in Town
PAUL: Yup, you all should be chased out of town and live with the other people who shouldn’t be allowed near people. Unibomber, Don Henley. Don, this is the Unibomber. You get top bunk.
EAGLES: “I like the way that sounds.”
PAUL: I can count how many people feel that way on one finger…my middle one.
Song 6- DISC 2
I Love to Watch a Woman Dance
PAUL: Me too, way more than I like hearing you sing.
EAGLES: “Her hips begin to circle slowly.”
PAUL: Like your careers circle the drain?
EAGLES: “They take her a million miles away.”
PAUL: Please take the Eagles there too.
EAGLES: “She takes my hand.”
PAUL: Who took your musical talent?
PAUL: This song really stands out. I had no idea they could suck this much. He started talk singing, it can’t possibly get any worse!
Song 7- DISC 2
Business as Usual
PAUL: Suckin’ song after song.
EAGLES: “People in denial.”
PAUL: Sing about what you know.
EAGLES: “We’re Burning time.”
PAUL: My ears are burning.
EAGLES: “You try to do good.”
PAUL: I do good, yes, something you might wanna try sometime.
PAUL: Hey Eagles, at this point, how do you feel about your latest bunch of songs?
EAGLES: “Soul sucking.”
PAUL: Mildly put…but accurate.
Song 8- DISC 2
Center of the Universe
EAGLES: “I hate to disappoint you.”
PAUL: Okay, then drop dead.
EAGLES: “I’ll always be beside you.”
PAUL: (Picks up the phone) Tom? Hey, what do you know about restraining orders.
Song 9- DISC 2
It’s Your World Now
PAUL: Did you decide to take your own life? Don’t tease me now.
EAGLES: “The gentle breezes blow.”
PAUL: You blow!
EAGLES: “I must be leaving soon.”
PAUL: J
EAGLES: “The time we shared went by so fast.”
PAUL: Fast?! Evolution feels quick compared to the time we spent.
EAGLES: “No sad goodbyes.”
PAUL: I’m throwing a party.
EAGLES: “The curtain falls.”
PAUL: Nobody make eye contact. They might see that as a signal for an encore.
EAGLES: “I take my bow.”
PAUL: Boy would I love to be behind you with a steel tipped boot you no talent, ass clown.
PAUL: I made it. Old Eagles songs, you’ve been kinda silent, do you want to comment on this travesty?
OLD EAGLES: “Wasted Time”
OLD EAGLES: “Out of Control”
OLD EAGLES: “Heartache Tonight”
OLD EAGLES: “Love Will Keep us Alive”
OLD EAGLES: We’ll “Try and Love Again”
OLD EAGLES: We’re sending “The Disco Strangler” over to each of their houses.
OLD EAGLES: “Most of Us Are Sad”
OLD EAGLES: Now that it’s over…I’ve got a “Peaceful Easy Feeling”
PAUL: Until tonight…and the nightmares.
PAUL: Say goodnight Old Eagles Songs.
OLD EAGLES: Goodnight Old Eagles Songs!
