Jack Bauer Life After CTU SKIT
A group of elderly women our seated in the well kept suburban home of an aged Mrs. Nicole Zalewski, who has just finished serving tea to her guest. Her husband, Gary sits by her side drinking his beer.
MRS. ZALEWSKI
Okay, ladies now I’d like to introduce a young gentleman who has some exciting products to share with us all. So give a big “
From stage left enters Jack Bauer, intense as ever, but nicely dressed wheeling in a large black suitcase. Gary helps Jack also bring in a large black duffle bag.
JACK
The following sales demonstration takes place from
Jack is nervous and is reading from a cue-card.
JACK
My name is Jack Bauer, I use to work for the government in the Counter Terrorist Unit where on a daily basis I would have just 24 hours to stop bombs, viruses, and assassination attempts, terrorist and other unspeakable acts of mass destruction.
The women don’t react to this news, however Gary neverously claps for Jack who gains his confidence and put his cue-cards away.
JACK
Thank you, you’re very kind. Now, while I was working at CTU, I’ve learned two important things. The first is that
Gary stops drinking his beer and looks around at the women who are all impressed with the presentation as Jack pulls out a bowl from his suitcase and begins filling it up with cleaning solution.
JACK
At night, I couldn’t sleep, because, my clothes, my bed and my George Foreman Grill, all smelled of death,
However, today, I don’t smell death anymore and I sleep like a baby because, I left my job at CTU and became part of the Amway Unit, and so, the only thing I’m killing now, is high prices and nasty stains.
JACK
This is a head that I decapitate two years ago from a really evil extreme Muslim terrorist. His face is covered in blood and it appears maggots have eaten most of his upper lip, he’s totally unrecognizable. Let’s put this little bad boy cleaner to the test with a solution called L.O.C. It’s a multi-purpose cleaner that is also gentle enough to also wash your clothes.
Jack dunks the bloodied decapitated head into the solution. Gary is freaking out, however, Jack pulls the head up and the entire face is clean and all the women applaud in delight.
JACK
(joking)
Look at that, I was hoping it was Bin Laden, however, I was only stationed in
The women chuckle, Jack pulls out a portable in-door grill and lights a fire to heat a frying pan that he places on top of the grill.
JACK
The wonderful thing about Amway is that they make a variety of durable products that you can use in your daily life.
Jack opens up the duffle bag and it’s a living man tied up.
JACK
This is Hector Hugo Gonzales, A.K.A. "The Columbian Butcher", he’s on the FBI’s top ten most wanted list for drug smuggling and countless murders. I found him a few weeks back when I was doing a Nutrilite vitamin demonstration at an Elks Lodge in
Our little friend, here is going to help me demonstrate the amazing ICook kitchen ware.
Jack places the left side of Hector’s face into the frying pan and then switches over to the right side.
We cut to the ladies watching in amazement and to Gary who is in shock.
Hector is screaming in pain as Jack holds his face up, which is still smoking and we see that both sides of Hector’s face are burning evenly..
JACK
That ladies is the magic of the Optitemp technology.
Jack pulls out a fire extinguisher and puts out the small fire on Hector’s face.
JACK
Lastly ladies, I’m going to demonstrate the amazing powers of our ESpring water Purifier by releasing a canister of Sentox VX which is nerve gas, I myself, have built up immunity to the deadly gas. However, the ESpring Water Purifier safely removes more than 140 contaminants from the air.
Suddenly, Hector drops dead from the nerve gas, followed by Gary and then by the entire group of elderly women. Jack is the only one left alive.
Jack is upset with himself as he reaches for his cell phone.
JACK
Hey Cloe, it’s Jack, I need you hack into Monster.com and tell me if Applebee’s is hiring? Or see who sells Flinstones Chewable vitamins?